Actual Headlines From 2004

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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:


Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?

Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far]!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly]!


Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos]!


Juvenile Court to

Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!



War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think]?


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thunk it]!


Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?

Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge]!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]


 

 

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