Weekend at Fidel's

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Fidel Castro, that lovable scamp who ruled communist Cuba until July, when he had to "temporarily" cede power to his brother Raul (which is a much better name for a despot) because he went under the knife for intestinal bleeding is not (repeat, NOT) dead, dying, or really even feeling all that bad. This is according to U.S. lawmakers who were told this by Cuban officials during a trip to the island nation that ended Sunday. They were not, however, allowed to see or speak to Fidel "Not Dead" Castro. They weren't even allowed to speak to his brother.

U.S. doctors have hypothesized that Fidel suffers from a colon condition called diverticulitis which is fairly common in the elderly (Castro is 80) and can be treated. U.S. officials, who know WAY more than those stupid doctors, have stated that THEY believe he may suffer from some kind of inoperable cancer (which must be diagnosible from satellite or spy plane, I suppose) and will not live through 2007 (the CIA read this in Castro's horoscope). Castro has not been seen publicly since July 26, but officials are quick to tell everyone who will listen that everything is A-OK. Really--no need to worry over there in Cuba. Everything is just fine.

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