What Do You Get When You Mix A Minister, A Wetsuit, And A Dildo?
Posted by ueberbill
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|Being a soldier in the Army of Christ is one tough job--there are legions of heathens, pagans, hippies, democrats, and heretics out there who need to be shown how infinite God's love is (unless you disagree, then it's an express train to the eternal fires of Hell that God was kind enough to allow Satan to set up for us). In Montgomery, Alabama, we must now mourn for the first Navy Seal for Jesus.|
Rev. Gary Aldridge, a diligent man of the Lord (who apparently got cold very easily), was wearing two complete wetsuits, diving gloves, rubberized underwear, and a head mask when he went to the great beyond. Unfortunately, he was not actually anywhere near the water at the time, and was found hogtied in his house with a dildo in his anus.
Reverend Gary graduated from Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, a place dedicated to keeping dildos out of any orifice, and later went to work for Rev. Falwell himself as a Dean at Liberty U. After that work he became the minister of the Thorington Road Southern Baptist Church until his untimely demise.
Do not fear for the right Rev. Aldridge's soul, friends, because it does NOT say ANYWHERE in the Bible that autoerotic asphyxiation by means of redundant SCUBA gear and anally-inserted sex devices is a sin. He's now in a better place, where the wetsuits are always clean, the dildos don't require condoms, and the angels are very gentle when hogtying you. Unless you prefer that they not be.
|Posted by what on 2007-10-11 14:33:37|
|Is there any more to this story? Was this guy an outspoken anti-sex, gay bashing, god-boy, resulting in oodles of gooey irony in the predicament he was found in? Or just an accidental death of a fetishist who just so happened to be a minister? |
Or are you just engaging in schadenfreude for no good reason?
I'd say I expect better from you guys, but sometimes I wonder.
|Posted by notsosb on 2007-10-11 15:02:09|
|Southern baptist minister = anti-sex(out of wedlock, anyway), anti-gay, god-boy. The sect is quite clear on that point.|
|Posted by what on 2007-10-11 15:48:29|
|That little tidbit of information was not part of the original post. There's a little bit more gooey irony now than there was an hour ago.|
|Posted by THUORN (firstname.lastname@example.org) on 2007-10-11 20:13:03|
Dam... I wonder if I can come up w/ a more awesome way to die... Well probably not since in not religious.
|Posted by ueberbill on 2007-10-12 07:48:07|
|Yeah, sorry- posted in a hurry and realized you were absolutely right, 'what'. The Southern Baptist angle is what makes the story and I completely glossed over it. Fixed. Honestly, I don't know how one even dons two wet suits. One is hard enough.|
|Posted by Pile on 2007-10-14 09:56:48|
|Best article write-up ever!|
|Link to Smoking Gun Article with Autopsy Report|
Posted by Laurel on 2007-10-22 22:37:02
|Posted by Rubberdude on 2009-01-24 19:15:00|
|The second wetsuit usually needs to be a bit larger. Helps if the first suit has a nylon exterior, but this isn't essential. Historically, when the first drysuits came out, they were very thin. It was not abnormal to wear a wetsuit underneath for the insulation factor. It is, however, a bit more difficult to get a rubber drysuit on over a wetsuit, especially if the exterior is smoothskin rubber, like a triathlon wetsuit. As to the dildo, it was more likely a "butt plug." While these devices plug nothing when the body decides it's "time," they do stimulate the prostate from within. In case you don't realize it, dear reader, it's muscular contraction around the prostate that causes the intense pleasure of the male orgasm. So...every little bit of attention helps. Now for the really funny part, 'cause I'm sure this post is getting a real laugh. As I write this, I've got a wetsuit on underneath a full, black rubber drysuit and a fairly large, anatomically shaped butt plug in my ass. Unfortunately, I don't have a boyfriend handy to tie me up. Not really into that, but in a bit, when I put on the rest of my rubber gear, I will enjoy the incredible dichotomy of being fully covered in constricting rubber, isolated yet intensely stimulated all over and inside my body. It's a head trip, to be sure. So...man of God or not, the good Rev knew what he was doing. A great way to go, as long as he was happy and not panicked when he passed. Unfortunately, I'll have to take all this crap off all too soon, but rest assured, it's worth the effort, if you can get your head around it. Gay or straight, it's all about feeling good. Do so in whatever way pleases you, even if it's making fun of another rubber perv like Rev Aldridge. - Steve|