PATH: BS | PT Barnum

Work Sucks, Get Some Slaves!

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Life is hard--you work all day to pay your debts and maybe make enough on the side to enjoy yourself on the weekend. Surely there is some way, some labor-saving device that'll do some of my work for me and leave me free to, I don't know, watch The Price is Right during the day. But what could that be? I know, SLAVES!

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Democracy, It's a Bitch

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The Philippines, the very very very very very poor man's Japan, has just recently celebrated their beloved right to vote. Much like in America, contests are fierce, competitive, devisive, cynical, and cost people a great deal. Unfortunately for Filipinos, over there it costs people their LIVES.

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Flaming Richard Gere and AIDS- PROBABLY Not What You Think

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[Activists]
Actor Richard Gere is being beaten and burned in effigy by various protesting groups in India after his behavior at an HIV/AIDS-awareness event in New Delhi (Same as the Old Delhi). What could Mr. Gere have done to deserve such treatment? The answer will SHOCK you--if you're a conservative Indian Hindu.

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"Godless" Washington Dollars Cause Excitement

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[Get-Rich-Quick]
What first seemed like a vast "left-wing conspiracy" as reported by some weirdo conservative bloggers has turned into a windfall for some opportunists in select Southeastern states. The U.S. Mint has accidentally let about 50,000 new gold Washington $1 coins get into circulation without the words, "In God We Trust". Collectors and godless heathens are snapping these things up on eBay with the $1 coins going for as much as $600.

On the down side, there appears to be a lot of these coins in circulation, and the mistake relates to the printing not being stamped on the edge of the coins. This promises to be a pretty easy thing to forge, so expect to see tons of these "godless" coins that are merely regular coins with the edge sanded down.

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Most Underage Gambler EVER.

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[Bad Parents]
Nyree Thompson was playing the penny slots in Atlantic City with some bad gas. Turned out, however, that it wasn't gas after all- it was her soon-to-be born son- and he wanted in on the action.

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Weekend at Fidel's

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Fidel Castro, that lovable scamp who ruled communist Cuba until July, when he had to "temporarily" cede power to his brother Raul (which is a much better name for a despot) because he went under the knife for intestinal bleeding is not (repeat, NOT) dead, dying, or really even feeling all that bad. This is according to U.S. lawmakers who were told this by Cuban officials during a trip to the island nation that ended Sunday. They were not, however, allowed to see or speak to Fidel "Not Dead" Castro. They weren't even allowed to speak to his brother.

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The Diamond Deception: What DeBeers Doesn't Want You To Know

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[Diamond Studded Toenail Clippers]
Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?

The diamond invention—the creation of the idea that diamonds are rare and valuable, and are essential signs of esteem—is a relatively recent development in the history of the diamond trade. Read about how an effective ad campaign has made these not-so-valuable items seem more precious than they really are.

READ MORE | 1 comment since 2010-07-13 12:17:26 | Comment on this Article

Give To A Charity And Be Labeled A Sick Bastard

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[Activists]
Paul's Place, an English disability charity, has just finished development of the first-ever disabled nude calendar to raise money. I think I'd rather just give them money than try to explain to every person who comes into my home why I have a picture of a naked lady with Down's syndrome on my wall. Maybe that should be their tactic--give us money or else we'll mail you a calendar for which you will have a lot of explaining to do.

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Army Continues To Lower Standards To Meet Recruitment Goals

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The U.S. Army recruited more than 2,600 soldiers under new lower aptitude standards this year, helping the service beat its goal of 80,000 recruits in the throes of an unpopular war and mounting casualties.

"Tests don't tell you the answer to the most critical question for the Army, how will you do in combat?" a spokesman said. But, he added, accepting too many recruits with low test scores could increase training costs and leave technical jobs unfilled. But don't worry, it's only your tax dollars.

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7-7-7 The Mark of the Wedding Chapel

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[Vanity]
Even though it's nine months away, plan now to stay off the roads next year on the first Saturday of July. Unless you want to be bumper-to-bumper with limos, that is.

Why? Because the date will be 07-07-07.

That has the wedding industry spinning like a Vegas slot machine as scores of engaged couples scramble to wed on that triple-lucky day.

I know what you're thinking, I'm going to tag this for stupid people, but I actually think it's kind of clever. It would be a lot harder for the men to forget their anniversary when their wedding date involved such a profoundly boneheaded decision. One less reason to not spend the night in the barn is always a good thing.

READ MORE | 2 comments since 2007-07-06 08:26:02 | Comment on this Article

Gorilla Glue: The Toughest Advertising Snowjob on Earth

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They advertise their product as "The toughest glue on earth." Really? Well, it took a competitor, Elmers, to challenge this claim and take it to the National Advertising Division of the Better Business Bureau. Gorrilla, if you're making that claim, you can back it up right?

Wait until you hear their response...

READ MORE | 1 comment since 2006-09-28 11:57:11 | Comment on this Article

Key To Bush's Approval Rating? Gas

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[Polls]
When it comes to President Bush's approval rating — the number that measures his political health — one factor seems more powerful than any Oval Office address or legislative initiative.

It's the price of a gallon of gas.

Statisticians who have compared changes in gas prices and Bush's ratings through his presidency have found a steady relationship: As gas prices rise, his ratings fall. As gas prices fall, his ratings rise.

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When the Cure is Worse than the Condition

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A man in Belgrade, Serbia, decided to take the advice of a local witch doctor to cure his problem with premature ejaculation. His prescription? Have sex with a hedgehog...a spiky European relative of the porcupine. The witch doctor promised "total discretion" and said the cure was guaranteed 100 percent. The European hedgehog is about the size of a guinea pig, and though it has spikes like a porcupine, the spikes do not generally come loose and are not as sharp as porcupine quills. When threatened with inappropriate sexual advances, hedgehogs roll themselves up into a spiky little ball.

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Katrina Conference Organizers Duped By Fake Government Official

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A man claiming to be a high-ranking federal housing official addressed a conference Monday on public housing in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, claiming the government was reversing its policy.

Following speeches by Gov. Kathleen Blanco and Mayor Ray Nagin, a man who said he was the "deputy assistant secretary" of the Department of Housing and Urban Development announced a total reversal in the government's policy on public housing in New Orleans, claiming HUD would halt plans to demolish thousands of public housing units.

Turns out this was the work of an activist/theatrical group called The Yes Men. Their web site states, "We have impersonated some of the world's most powerful criminals at conferences, on the web, and on television, in order to correct their identities."

What's even more brilliant about this farce is that the company producing the event, Equity International claims to be "The center for homeland security" that specializes in "Winning the global war against terrorism." And they didn't have the aptitude to check to find out if one of their primary speakers, on stage with both the mayor and governor, wasn't a total imposter.

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"Just the Lord" Fleeces His Flock of $50 Million

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Randall W. Harding sang in the choir at Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, Calif., and donated part of his conspicuous wealth to its ministries. In his business dealings, he underscored his faith by naming his investment firm JTL, or "Just the Lord." Pastors and churchgoers alike entrusted their money to him.

By the time Harding was unmasked as a fraud, he and his partners had stolen more than $50 million from their clients, and Crossroads became yet another cautionary tale in what investigators say is a worsening problem plaguing the nation's churches.

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Machete-Wielding Clowns Terrorize Park

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Police are on the lookout for members of a machete-wielding gang in angry clown make-up after a rampage that left nearly two dozen people injured in a park in Washington state.

Somehow, we always sensed that clowns were dangerous.

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From Inside the Luxurious Pyramid

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[Get-Rich-Quick]
On April 19, 2001, a man named Alyn Waage was arrested at the airport in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, with $4.5 million in his briefcase. Waage had boarded the Learjet intending to fly to Belize to pick up an employee who worked at the mail forwarding office there, then fly on to Vallarta where his company, the Tri-West Investment Club, was based, and then to Latvia where he intended to buy a bank he dealt with. The first two steps of this schedule he completed, but he wanted to deposit some of the money in the bank himself so he took a few million and stuffed it in his luggage. When the jet landed and the customs officials asked to look through his bags, the jig was up.

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ABC Airs Bogus Feelgood Reality Show

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On Easter Sunday 2005, ABC's Extreme Makeover Home Edition aired an especially poignant episode. Five children, ages 14-21, from the Higgins family were orphaned. A couple from their church, with three children of their own, took them in. The result was 10 people living in cramped quarters.

The show finds families like these and, in the course of a week, rebuilds their home from scratch. The process is edited into a one-hour episode.

Unfortunately in this episode, all is not what it seems. The family's landlord evicts them from their newly-built home before the fairy-tale episode even airs on television. Does ABC care? What do you think?

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Parents Clueless As Teen Flies To Middle East To MySpace Friend

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[Bad Parents]
A 16-year-old girl who tricked her parents into getting her a passport and then flew to the Mideast to be with a man she met on MySpace.com, was returned to Michigan.

This is one of the myriad of myspace stories, but I couldn't help posting it to qualify use of the "bad parents" tag, which isn't used nearly as much as it deserves.

READ MORE | 4 comments since 2006-06-29 22:30:24 | Comment on this Article

For The Goth Who Has Everything: Designer Black Toilet Paper

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[Diamond Studded Toenail Clippers]
If you're tired of wiping your butt on plain white or printed toilet paper, a Portugese company has come up with a tres chic all black designer toilet paper for $3+ a roll. Just what we've all been waiting for!

READ MORE | 1 comment since 2006-06-12 10:30:39 | Comment on this Article

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